Our Man Hoppe
PAGE 41
Private Drab
Flunks the Test
Arthur Hoppe
"A STICK 35 inches long is to be cut so
that one piece is one-fourth as long
as the other," said Private Oliver Drab,
378-18-4454, frowning mightily. "How many
inches long must the shorter piece be?"
"Stop mumbling, Drab, and keep your
eyes peeled," snapped Captain Buck Ace,
swatting a mosquito with his map case.
"There's Viet Cong all round us." He
paused and eyed the Private suspiciously.
"What do you want a stick for?"
"Oh, I don't want a stick, sir. I just
wished I could figure out an answer to the
question."
"Look, soldier, we're in a tight spot.
You got some sort of plan to get us out?"
asked Captain Ace hopefully.
"Well, not exactly, sir. It's just that if I
knew the answer to that question I
wouldn't be here in the first place."
"What are you talking about, Drab?"
"It's a sample of the questions they
asked those college kids back home, sir.
Those that knew just how to saw up the
stick, they got to stay. Those that didn't,
they're going to get sent over here."
***
"OH," SAID Captain Ace, "you're talk-
ing about those draft deferment
tests for college students."
"Right, sir. Only I don't see why a fel-
low should be sent over here just because
he doesn't know exactly how to cut up a
stick. Of course, I guess it wouldn't be
much of a handicap if he didn't, seeing as
how we don't cut up sticks much. But it
wouldn't hurt if he did."
The Captain permitted himself a fa- herly smile. "It really isn't a question of
cutting up sticks, soldier. It's an intelli-
gence test. The Government feels the
more intelligent young men can better
serve their country by pursuing knowledge
at home. Now, doesn't that make sense?"
"You bet, sir," said Private Drab en- husiastically. "It'd be an awful waste,
sending them out here."
"That's the right spirit, soldier," said
the Captain, clapping him on the back.
"Thank you, sir. Now, let's see, 35 inch-
es long and one piece has got to be one-
fourth the size of the other. Four into
35 . . . ."
"Now what are you up to, Drab?"
"Well, sir, I figure if I get the answer,
it proves I'm smart. And the Government,
not wanting to waste a smart fellow like
me, will ship me home for the good of my
country. Is it eight something, sir?"
The Captain eyed him coldly. "It's sev-
en, Drab. Now shut up and crawl out there
to reconnoiter. Or I'll shoot you myself."
***
"YOU KNOW why I'm out here?" Pri-
ate Drab said later to his friend,
Corporal Partz, as he thoughtfully exam-
ined a bullet nick in his helmet. "It's be-
cause I'm stupid."
"So what else is new?" said Corporal
Partz, spitting carefully over the rim of
their foxhole.
"Well, I always suspected as much,"
said Private Drab sadly. "But somehow I
wish the Government wouldn't tell me so."