Our Man Hoppe PAGE 41 Private Drab Flunks the Test Arthur Hoppe "A STICK 35 inches long is to be cut so that one piece is one-fourth as long as the other," said Private Oliver Drab, 378-18-4454, frowning mightily. "How many inches long must the shorter piece be?" "Stop mumbling, Drab, and keep your eyes peeled," snapped Captain Buck Ace, swatting a mosquito with his map case. "There's Viet Cong all round us." He paused and eyed the Private suspiciously. "What do you want a stick for?" "Oh, I don't want a stick, sir. I just wished I could figure out an answer to the question." "Look, soldier, we're in a tight spot. You got some sort of plan to get us out?" asked Captain Ace hopefully. "Well, not exactly, sir. It's just that if I knew the answer to that question I wouldn't be here in the first place." "What are you talking about, Drab?" "It's a sample of the questions they asked those college kids back home, sir. Those that knew just how to saw up the stick, they got to stay. Those that didn't, they're going to get sent over here." *** "OH," SAID Captain Ace, "you're talk- ing about those draft deferment tests for college students." "Right, sir. Only I don't see why a fel- low should be sent over here just because he doesn't know exactly how to cut up a stick. Of course, I guess it wouldn't be much of a handicap if he didn't, seeing as how we don't cut up sticks much. But it wouldn't hurt if he did." The Captain permitted himself a fa- herly smile. "It really isn't a question of cutting up sticks, soldier. It's an intelli- gence test. The Government feels the more intelligent young men can better serve their country by pursuing knowledge at home. Now, doesn't that make sense?" "You bet, sir," said Private Drab en- husiastically. "It'd be an awful waste, sending them out here." "That's the right spirit, soldier," said the Captain, clapping him on the back. "Thank you, sir. Now, let's see, 35 inch- es long and one piece has got to be one- fourth the size of the other. Four into 35 . . . ." "Now what are you up to, Drab?" "Well, sir, I figure if I get the answer, it proves I'm smart. And the Government, not wanting to waste a smart fellow like me, will ship me home for the good of my country. Is it eight something, sir?" The Captain eyed him coldly. "It's sev- en, Drab. Now shut up and crawl out there to reconnoiter. Or I'll shoot you myself." *** "YOU KNOW why I'm out here?" Pri- ate Drab said later to his friend, Corporal Partz, as he thoughtfully exam- ined a bullet nick in his helmet. "It's be- cause I'm stupid." "So what else is new?" said Corporal Partz, spitting carefully over the rim of their foxhole. "Well, I always suspected as much," said Private Drab sadly. "But somehow I wish the Government wouldn't tell me so."